Therapy for people-pleasing

You might not know when it started. Perhaps one of your siblings was a rebel and you had to be good. Perhaps a parent, or parents, needed someone to look after them and you took on the role, even though you were still so young. Or perhaps when you were sad or upset or angry, your parents dismissed you, punished you, or worse. You learned that at home, you had a role to play, and you played it without complaint.

In the quieter moments, you might have wondered if your parents’ unconditional love came with caveats.

And, I’m wondering if that carried over into school. Or maybe that’s when it started. Perhaps school was threatening, or at least it felt like it. You learned that popularity, or at least being liked, could protect you. Perhaps you did what you were told by the teachers, or the students. Perhaps you were the class clown. Either way, you had to get the approval of your teachers and peers. Your survival depended on it.

And now as an adult, you can’t seem to stop. You don’t quite know where you end and someone else begins. You have lost yourself. A friend suggests Thai for dinner and you say yes, even though you don’t like it. You’re always going to their house, they never come to yours. You can’t stop taking on more at work. You can’t prioritise yourself if someone else needs you. You must be exhausted.

People pleasing in your relationships

Nowhere does this show up more than in your closest relationships. Sometimes, not always, you don’t feel like an equal.

Perhaps you’re always available for your partner. You keep your evenings free for them, even if they don’t always do the same for you. You cancel your plans if your partner is home alone. Your partner never gets to experience your ‘sorry I’m busy’. Arguments always seem to end up with you apologising.

Or, maybe you’re always a shoulder to cry on. If they are upset, you are always looking at what you might have done; what you need to do differently next time. You always listen. But when you are upset, perhaps you are not always given the same courtesy.

The scripts we act in our relationships can take on gendered lines too. Perhaps you are expected to nurture and care even though that might not always be you, all the time. Perhaps you cannot express anger, or even an opinion, before you are labelled dominant or aggressive.

And sometimes, this dynamic — the tendency towards smallness and walking on eggshells — can get taken further. Sometimes, you feel hollowed out. You feel like any instinct to assert yourself, to show up, is met with increasing hostility, sometimes violence. If you have experienced that, the shadow it casts can be long. If you have experienced that, I am sorry. I do not yet know you. But I know that you did not deserve that.

I cannot change your partner’s behaviour, or what you went through all those years ago. But together, we can get to know you. I want to know what you like and what you don’t like. And I want you to tell me when I get it wrong, although that might be hard at the beginning. It might be impossible. Together we can map out who you are. Where you begin and end. I don’t know you, but I know that you’ll have edges, and I’d like to find out where those are.

Human beings are social creatures. We are hurt and healed in relationships, so together we will explore what this looks like for you. You might begin to notice patterns and themes. You might spot how your partners share some characteristics, and what those are. We might begin to spot why you might be attracted to them too.

And of course, there is our relationship. You and me. This will differ from your other relationships. But the gift is that I won’t walk away. You can say what you need to say to me. We can really unpick what might be going on between us, safely in the knowledge that whatever we say will not be the end. And in understanding what is happening between us, we might also see what is happening elsewhere.

Perhaps then, it feels safer to make some changes. It’s time to stop hiding.