You might be reading this exhausted or overwhelmed. You struggle to say no and when you do, it’s not heard. You’ve read all the blog posts, and the books about setting boundaries, but it’s hard and perhaps you’re not even sure what it means.
What are boundaries
A boundary is very simply, saying no. If there is something you don’t want to do, then that is a boundary. We broadly want to have firm but flexible boundaries. So, if you don’t like Thai food, but find yourself constantly at Thai restaurants, that might indicate that you should perhaps get better at saying no. However, if you’ve never been to a Thai restaurant, and you’re out at a friend’s birthday who wants to go there, if you notice that you are still refusing to go, perhaps you’d benefit from being a bit less rigid.
There is no golden rule about when you should or shouldn’t assert a boundary. Life is messy, and humans are complicated. And sometimes you are going to have to do something you don’t want to do. That’s just life.
To complicate things further, there are different boundaries to think about.
External boundaries
External boundaries are how you relate to other people either physically or sexually. We can choose for ourselves our proximity to others, and how we want to be touched by them. If someone touches you or if you touch them in ways that are not mutually consented to, that is a boundary cross.
Internal boundaries
Internal boundaries are how you think, feel and behave. You are responsible for your actions and feelings. If someone is trying to make you responsible for how they feel (or vice versa) that is a boundary-cross. You might notice this running the other way too. Perhaps you try to avoid telling your partner something that might upset them. You are, in a sense, taking responsibility for their emotions and denying them the possibility of being upset and sitting with that. This is called over-functioning.
There is of course an interplay between internal and external boundaries. And you can see how messy it is. We don’t get to live in a world where our boundaries are respected all of the time. And equally, we probably wouldn’t want to. A world in which no one’s boundaries are crossed is a world in which no one does anything unpredictable or challenging. A crossed boundary is just a crossed boundary. It isn’t always the end of the world. But the challenge is to get boundaries that serve you; that keep you safe, and feeling safe, and at the same time connected with the people you love.
Weaponised boundaries
A weaponised boundary is when people use the therapy-speak of boundaries to control your behaviour. It can be hard to spot and call out, so here’s a brief explainer.
Let’s say that you don’t want to date a smoker and on the 3rd date with someone new, they excuse themselves and go outside for a cigarette. On their return, you politely explain that you cannot date a smoker and end it.
That’s a boundary that you’ve asserted and that’s fine. (It may or may not be a boundary that serves you, but that is separate from whether the boundary is enforced in good faith.)
A weaponised boundary would be that once you’ve dated them for a year, in the full knowledge that they smoke, then saying that you cannot date a smoker and that they should quit. The boundary has moved with the intention of controlling your behaviour. Watch for this.
Why it might be hard to assert your boundaries
Asserting your boundaries is a skill that you might not have learned. Perhaps your parents didn’t respect yours. Perhaps they didn’t ask you what you wanted or they didn’t care what the answer was. Perhaps, when your sibling was upset, they blamed you.
It might not have been your parents. A sibling might have always imposed themselves in ways that you couldn’t stop. Perhaps they overpowered you emotionally, or physically.
Or it might have been later, in a relationship or relationships. Perhaps you were treated in a way that you didn’t like, over and over, and in increasingly violent ways. That will have left a shadow, and I’m sorry.
Sometimes, the shadow goes the other way. Your boundaries were so violated that now, they have become a wall, and you cannot tolerate any movement on them. If that’s the case, I am sorry too.
Whether you never learned to set firm but flexible boundaries, or whether your capacity was taken from you, together we can bring it back.
What having too weak or too strong boundaries might look like
There are many flavours of what this could look like. This is a non-exhaustive list, but I’d be interested in if any of this is you.
Over-extended social life
You like meeting people, you like socialising and you like saying yes to people. But soon the calendar is booked up and you have no space to breathe, no downtime. You’re exhausted. You can say yes to everyone else, but not yourself. This might happen in your social life, or at work. This form of self-abandonment comes up a lot in London.
Low self-esteem
You might find yourself going with the flow, or doing what is expected of you rather than what you want. It might be hard to articulate what you want. Or perhaps you just feel like your needs don’t really matter. This might not be a general thought, but something you notice on a case-by-case basis, but it happens so often. “Oh, I’ll do that because she’s going through a hard time”, “Now is not the time to be making a fuss about this” etc.
Making yourself smaller in relationships
Whether it’s with your family or your partner, perhaps you notice yourself biting your tongue. Someone says something you don’t agree with and you just stay quiet. Perhaps it’s more a functional thing. You notice yourself going out of your way to help people, and don’t feel able to advocate for your own convenience. You might call it people-pleasing. But perhaps it happens so automatically, it just feels like who you are.
Saying no and feeling overwhelmed with guilt
When you do say no, often it’s not other reactions that you fear, it’s your own. The guilt can feel overwhelming and sometimes crippling. And, often, the thoughts might run and run. It’s not just that you’ve done something wrong, but perhaps, they are upset. Perhaps the relationship won’t recover.
Being isolated and alone
Perhaps you have had so much experience of boundary violations that you cannot take it any more. When another is crossed, you’re quick to anger and hostility and it pushes people away. Or perhaps you’re the one who has distanced yourself, becoming a recluse from the people you love, just to stay safe.
There are so many variations of this. Whatever yours looks like, I’d like to hear it.
How you can get better at setting boundaries
The first step is to understand that you have boundaries in the first place. You might notice that you quash your own objections, sometimes before you’ve even said them. You might think “oh, that option will be so convenient for other people” or “I’ll just go with the group this time”. If you notice that you rarely, if ever, voice an objection, then that’s where we’ll start.
Now, I want you to notice what happens when you do voice an objection. Not just people’s reactions, but how it feels for you. What’s happening in your body, and what is happening in your mind? How do you feel afterwards? This is not about connecting to some untapped inner bliss, this is about getting to know yourself. Without proper boundaries, you can lose yourself. This is a process of re-finding.
You might at this stage notice some guilt creeping in. That’s OK. It probably doesn’t feel great. It might in fact feel awful. But it’s a feeling and it will pass. I would challenge you to notice it, and sit with it, without acting on it. This gets easier, I promise.
The trick, if there is one, is to start small. Really small, where the stakes could not be lower. It’s telling a friend you’d prefer pizza. It’s asking someone to meet you at the pub rather than going to theirs. Pick something that is a clear demand for something you want, however small, and say it. Then, see what happens.
And of course, there is therapy; a space to unpack all of this and get comfortable, even excited with the idea that from here on in, you’re going to advocate for yourself.
What boundary therapy might look like
Therapy is a space where boundaries really matter. We need to agree on a specific frame for the work to continue. And in knowing exactly where my boundaries are, you can hopefully begin to get a sense of, and explore, yours.
Together we can unpack your relationship to boundaries. Where you learned what you learned, and what you might need to do things differently. We can explore how much of what you do serves you, and how much doesn’t. And we can think about what might be going on between us, in the therapy room. We, therapist and client, are in a relationship. How might we use that to learn something about other areas of your life?
If that’s something you’d like to begin, you can book a call. It’s 15 minutes, it’s free, and there’s no obligation.