I wonder if this experience is familiar to you. You’re with your partner and something isn’t right. Their body is too small where it should be big, or too big where it should be small. Perhaps you read those sentences and didn’t question my use of “should”.
Or perhaps your partner doesn’t want to do that thing – the thing you’ve seen on the internet. Or maybe you don’t get to that point. Maybe you’re losing interest in your partner(s) as your porn use grows.
Maybe it’s been months since you’ve had sex, but only minutes since you watched porn. Maybe the problem is not so much what’s happening on screen, but the fact that there is no one on the other side of it, with you.
What counts as a porn addiction?
There is no agreed-upon amount of porn watching before it becomes problematic. We rarely talk about how often we watch porn, so It’s hard to get a sense of what is “normal”. For some, many, even most, it is a normal part of their sex life, even when used quite a lot. But there are a few tells that perhaps your usage is getting out of control.
You might notice yourself watching it where it’s risky or inappropriate to do so. Maybe you watch it on a work computer, knowing that your internet usage is monitored. Maybe you watch it on your phone, in public, where others can see. If you know it’s risky but you do it anyway, that’s worth thinking about.
Perhaps you’re watching more porn, even when you’re not particularly horny. You just watch it out of habit. You watch it when you’re bored.
Perhaps you are distancing yourself from your relationships, your responsibilities, or even sleep, to watch porn.
Perhaps the porn you’re watching is becoming more taboo.
None of this is wrong or problematic in itself. Sex is often edgy, and the edginess of it can be hot. The thrill of getting caught, the taboo of watching what you perhaps shouldn’t. All this is part of sexuality. All this makes you human. But if you notice that porn is taking up more of your life than you want it to, if you feel like you are losing yourself or your relationships to it, it might be time to look at your porn use.
And I should say too that some porn is illegal. If you’re worried you’re going down that path, we can talk about that too. If that’s a line you’ve already crossed, you should know that I am obliged to report it. I am still here for you, but you might prefer to call Stop It Now. Their phone line is anonymous.
Why it’s so hard to stop
Porn is easy to access. You can literally look at it on your phone waiting for the bus, or on your lunch break. It’s also often free. But underneath that, I suspect that porn serves an unmet need in your life. The work of addiction therapy is to find out what that need is and meet it.
A good place to start might be an exploration of what fantasies you’re into. There’s no judgement here, only information. Are your fantasies different from the real-life sex you’re having, and if so, how? When no one is watching, what do you like to watch? And how do you feel talking about it?
Answering these questions might help you understand what is really going on, beyond being horny.
We can also explore the role that porn itself plays. What are you not doing because you’re watching porn? Or, perhaps more to the point, what are you not feeling?
Porn inevitably goes hand in hand with masturbation. There’s an erotic charge, there’s fantasy, and there’s release. The chemical hit is intense. But what does it hide?
What are you getting from porn that you can’t get from real life? Or perhaps, what are you not getting?
None of this is judgement. We’re just exploring.
How long does it take to get over porn addiction?
There is no definitive answer to this question. Nor is there a clear picture of what “sobriety” looks like. If you read about porn addiction online, there’s a lot of #NoFap discourse, endless hacks and 30-, 60- or 90-day streaks. I’m not interested in how long you can go without wanking. And honestly, the language around it is quite shaming. I won’t ask that you quit. But what I will ask you to do is be serious about exploring your porn use: what happens when you’re watching, and also what happens when you’re not.
Porn is, by definition, a fantasy. It is a simulation (and often an exaggerated one) of real life, real sex. When you lose yourself in porn, you are, in sense, removing yourself from your life. That is worth exploring. .
Again, no judgement in that. But in therapy, I want to explore your real life, and what is missing from it. Once we have a sense of that, I suspect the porn use may take care of itself.
Speaking about porn (and sex more broadly) is hard. We have not built a society that makes it easy. But if you believe anything on this page, believe this: I have talked about this many times. It does not scare me, and I will not judge you. It won’t be easy work, but it could be transformational.
If that sounds of interest, we can have a chat about it. It’s free, 15 minutes, and a chance to get a sense of me.