You might remember your first time. Perhaps someone offered it to you, perhaps you were curious to give it a go. Whether or not you remember the circumstances, you probably remember the feeling. The excitement and headiness of sex, as though with the volume turned up, in four dimensions. The drugs made sex feel connected, euphoric, out of this world. And so you did it again. Why wouldn’t you?
The problem starts when you cannot stop. You might notice yourself rolling through from Friday to Monday. You might notice this happening more and more. You might also notice that sex without drugs no longer hits the spot.
Your first experiences of chemsex might have felt wonderful. Maybe they still do. But you might be feeling like it’s getting out of control. You might be feeling like it’s beginning to take over your life in ways that you do not want.
What once was Emerald City is now a crystal town.
Chemsex is having sex while using drugs — typically crystal meth, mephedrone (mcat) and GHB or GBL, known as G. For lots of people, this is part of their sex life. Chems, like other drugs, are fun. Please, have great sex and have as much of it as you want. I am not a pearl-clutcher. I do not think using chems is bad or wrong. If you’re having fun, keep doing it.
But if you’re not having fun, or if, in the quiet moments, your usage is giving you some pause, it might be worth reflecting on what might be happening.
What crystal, mcat and G might do for you
You’ll know how these drugs feel. You don’t need me to tell you that and even if I did, you might find my words lacking. Words cannot do justice to that feeling.
But underneath that, in the moment, I wonder if there’s something else going on. I wonder if you lose yourself.
Drugs like G, mcat and crystal make you feel incredible. They make you feel connected, like you belong, as though on a cellular level. But in doing that, perhaps you are no longer connected to yourself, you lose your anchor to you. It’s not just great sex, then. It’s an escape.
And if so, perhaps you’re wondering, escaping from what?
From whom?
Gay shame, sex, drugs and belonging
When you were young, being gay was hard. That is not to say that being gay is not hard now, and nor is this a political point. (Although, certainly it could be.) Being a gay teen is hard because teens are wired for connection and approval. It is that time in our lives when fitting in feels so important to our survival, and approval from our peers is so vital to our well-being. And in all that maelstrom of emotion, there is you, a queer kid.
I am going to assume that where you grew up, at your school, being gay was not cool. You didn’t grow up on the set of Heartstopper. You might have felt like you were the only gay kid. You might have felt that being out, or even honest with how you felt, would have led to being shunned, or even beaten up.
Few gay kids have the kind of messy, experimental play with their sexuality that straight ones do. There are few of us who awkwardly asked the object of our desires out after history class. Even fewer took their high school boyfriends back for dinner with the parents, who smiled on, proudly.
Those experiences are not alien to our community, but they are rare. I suspect too, that they were not yours.
And so many gay people experience the duality of seeing their straight friends live their (sex) lives out in the open, with the loving gaze of their parents, but being unable to do that themselves. Sex becomes symbolic of our differences. It is, for others, a mechanism to connect. For us, a marker of what keeps us separate.
And so in that, sex can align itself with shame. It shouldn’t, that’s not fair. But it does.
This, I wonder, is what you might be escaping. This yucky, heavy feeling that was put there when you were too young to know what it was, is hard to escape. And drugs don’t just let you escape, they let you fly. Suddenly, on drugs, you no longer feel isolated and alone. You feel a connection that you have never felt before. And that is intoxicating. How could it not be?
What chemsex might cost you
Once chemsex takes over your sex life, you might notice a few patterns. You might notice that a few of your friends are there for play time, but nothing else. You might feel connected to them, intensely in the moment, but it’s now Wednesday, you’re at work and that connection hasn’t survived the commute. Perhaps you feel isolated, a little empty.
You might find that when you’re on chems you feel sexy and desired. Off chems, perhaps you feel you’ve had a bit of a downgrade. The real you is just a bit… meh.
This is perhaps the biggest cost. I don’t care about how many partners you have. I don’t care whether you are a top or a bottom, sub or dom.
But I do care if you cannot see the ways in which you are wonderful. I do care if you cannot see your own magic. And if even reading that sentence makes you cringe, I would love to explore why.
What therapy for chemsex could look like
I won’t ask you to quit. You are welcome to have as much sex, under whatever circumstances, you like. As long as you, and they, are having fun, that’s all right with me. This is not about stopping, unless you want it to be. Instead, this is about exploring what is happening for you, inside the bedroom and outside it. I want to get to know your life, your story, and all the parts of it. I want to know how you feel about yourself and in relation to others. And perhaps, over time, about your relationship to me.
I want you to connect to others, without drugs. To feel vulnerable, scared but loved. That is relational security and that will be the underpinning of our work.
It will not be easy. There might be defences — you might think I’m irritating, cringe, I might get it wrong. Who knows. But together we will work through that. You don’t need to impress me. I don’t need to find you attractive or charming. But over time, I will care about you. And I hope that you feel it. I hope that you know you deserve it too.
If any of this sounds like you, the first step is a free 15-minute call — no obligation, just a chance to get a sense of me and what the work might look like.
Withdrawing from G (GHB/GBL)
I should say this, and I should say this clearly. Withdrawing from G can be very dangerous. Don’t stop abruptly and don’t do it alone. If symptoms are already starting, please go to A&E or call 999. If you are reducing your usage, please get medical support. You can find that at 56 Dean Street.